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In many respects dependency can be regarded as part of being human. Whether or not we grow up in an obviously dysfunctional family, most of us are exposed to some powerful, sometimes gross and sometimes subtle formative experiences wherein we feel that there is something about ourselves which is not okay. We react, by making a usually unconscious decision to compensate for, control, or avoid aspects of both our inner and outer worlds. Thus our co-dependent false self is born and our real self goes into hiding.
An example of compensation would be “I’ll show them what I’m capable of so that they never doubt my worth again;” and so relationships with people, work, and/or studies become compulsive and competitive. An example of an attempt to control would be making myself so powerful and so needed in a relationship, that my partner would have great difficulty rejecting me and doing without me. An avoider might distort or withdraw from the reality of their lives so that they would describe their dysfunctional, less than satisfying relationships as “fine” or even “wonderful.” This makes it possible to turn a blind eye to the imbalances which might be obvious to an outsider.
These inauthentic and compulsive ways of dealing with the world are usually based on fear (eg of rejection; of not being good enough), or guilt (“I don’t deserve to have my needs met). More often than not, this fear or guilt is outside of conscious awareness. Once someone has crossed a certain threshold where this way of being becomes natural and repetitive, they will find themselves attracting relationships where they re-enact these patterns. If these patterns start in early childhood (eg with the child who feels responsible for an alcoholic or otherwise dysfunctional parent), the person’s whole life can become an exhausting cycle of trying to rescue, control or avoid situations. This could be called primary codependency with deeply entrenched patterns of behaviour and defences such as denial.
Primary and Secondary Co-dependency
Primary co-dependency requires a prolonged healing process. Sometimes the co-dependent pattern develops later in life. For example, someone might find themselves in a dysfunctional relationship with an addicted or otherwise dysfunctional person, and is not part of a lifelong, deeply entrenched way of being. Depending on how long they have been enacting this co-dependent behaviour, this person may more quickly and easily break the pattern. This could be called secondary co-dependency. However, if allowed to continue for too long, this initially milder form of co-dependency easily becomes a rigid pattern of behaviour, which, like a computer virus, creeps into all areas of the person’s life. Unless the codependent person “detoxifies” themselves and continues to maintain their healing, they are likely to continue to get into dysfunctional co-dependent relationships.
Ways in which codependency manifests
Firstly, codependent thinking and behaviour show many of the features of an addiction. There may be a compulsive aspect to caretaking or controlling others so that self worth is dependent on playing the role of caretaker, martyr or policeman. This is usually at the expense of the co-dependent’s own wellbeing in that it firstly becomes physically and emotionally exhausting.
Secondly, it allows the codependent to avoid facing important issues in their own lives. In this respect it is interesting to observe at our family programme at Stepping Stones, that many of the codependent family members feel depressed when their addicted family members get into treatment. No longer distracted by the “need” to caretake or control, and without the chaos of living with active addiction, they are suddenly faced with the emptiness which they may have been avoiding for a very long time. This compulsive caretaking is also extremely harmful to the codependent’s significant others. The fact that the codependent takes on an inappropriate degree of responsibility for others, deprives these others of learning to grow from the consequences of their own actions and mistakes.
Denial and Anger
The codependent, like the alcoholic or addict, lives in denial and therefore does not see the harm that they are doing to themselves and others. When they do allow themselves to become aware of their exhaustion or the imbalances in their relationships, they may become resentful and feel like victims whose own needs are seldom if ever fulfilled. They are however very unlikely to speak openly about these feelings as they fear even healthy confrontation or conflict which elicit fears of rejection, abandonment or abuse, depending on previous life experience. This places them in a vicious cycle where they continue to act like selfless martyrs on the outside, while inside their exhaustion, tension and resentment build up. This repressed anger usually starts to emerge openly as the person wakes up from their denial and realises how they have slowly allowed their own lives to slip away from them. Unless this anger turns into a paralysing form of self pity, it is a healthy waking up which mobilises hidden inner resources needed for healing and sustained recovery.
Part of the denial of the codependent is to deny or distort real feelings to suit circumstances, or to support a false self-image of being a selfless martyr. So the codependent may change resentment into a resigned tolerance or even a smiling tolerance of difficult circumstances in order to stay true to this false self image. Similarly, any hint of tiredness or exhaustion which does not fit into the “Mother Theresa” selfless self image, quickly gets distorted or ignored. Small wonder that many codependents are who are not obvious compulsive caretakers become workaholics. Whether workaholic or compulsive pleaser or caretaker, they usually allow themselves to rest or be still, only when the body-mind, tired of sending gentle warning signals, sends a dramatic SOS which cannot be ignored. Crucially, this pattern of distorting or denying their authentic feelings, leaves the codependent alienated from themselves and others. Ultimately this results in nothing less than a loss of true self.
Low Self-Esteem
The core of co-dependency lays in a low self-esteem. The demanding
and perfectionist inner critic is constantly judging themselves and
their actions as inadequate. They therefore find it far easier to
please others than to take a stand for the fulfilment of their own
needs. As pleasing others overrides the need to be true to the self,
the co-dependent frequently does things for others which conflict
with their own real needs and values. So for example, they might
agree to have sex in a relationship before they are ready, when they
really want love and security. They might need rest, help and
support for themselves, but stretch their already drained resources
still further by agreeing to help other people out. They often stay
in destructive relationships simply because they value themselves so
little that it feels better to be in such a relationship than to be
alone.
A recovering co-dependent describes his experience: "I ended up
living my life like a robot, anxiously running from one demand to
the next. My life became a matter of how I was going to survive it,
rather than how I was going to live it fully with open arms. In
getting honest with myself in recovery, I became aware of the
uncomfortable truth that my pleasing "nice guy" image was a sneaky
way of trying to control what others thought of me."
Co-dependency Programme
The Co-dependency programme at Stepping Stones provides a supportive
environment where the co-dependent is helped to identify their own
specific co-dependent behaviours, and where appropriate to explore the
origins of these behaviours. They are helped to get present to how these
behaviours have played out and impacted on their lives.
Just like addicts, co-dependent people have many “blind spots” and
they benefit enormously from learning about themselves from honest but
caring feedback given by others. The programme is structured in such a
way that patients have powerful opportunities of learning about
themselves through feedback from highly trained counsellors and fellow
group members. However, it is not enough to simply identify and accept
these relatively destructive ways of being; it is also important to
develop tools to change these behaviours. Co-dependents are helped to
develop a toolkit which includes life skills for new more healthy ways
of relating to themselves and others; they are also supported in
developing new, more healthy attitudes, practises and ways of being
which facilitate change and enhance self esteem.
In addition, each person is supported in finding a form of
spirituality which helps provide purpose and direction in their lives
and which helps create new possibilities where previously there seemed
to be none. Meditations are offered to enhance this process.
In order to ensure that there are no physical or psychiatric factors
which would interfere with the person’s healing, a medical and
psychiatric assessment are part of the programme. Other forms of healing
are also offered such as creative therapy, energy healing and massage.
Although much of the work is done in groups, each person also has an
individual counsellor for private sessions. The programme does not end
after the inpatient stay - after discharge people are offered aftercare
support groups and are linked to additional support groups such as
Co-dependents Anonymous where they can continue with the process of
growth and healing. Our experience is that the Co-dependency Programme
provides a space which later marks a major turning point in people’s
lives.
If you or someone close to you needs help, please email or call Carry Bekker on +27 (0)21 783 4230 at any time.
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